Suddenly I found this site on milind mullick, and some water colors by him. I loved them. Rd says he'll help me sell them if i make...maybe.
I am back to day dreaming. I hate sitting in one place. I can smell chocolate cupcakes being baked, but that was in 1997. I don't know how far I have gone in a week. It is in my mind.
My Uncle dearest send me an email id ---reference--- I was surprised, and then not so... He is just like me, he will help me and the hate will remain intact. He just can't help helping me can he? I think not. Is he guilty?
I have made several time trips all over... I don't know how I managed. I am back, that is what matters.
I am back.
So is RD. LOL.
He never went. It was my imagination. Just my imagination, Just my imagination...
There was a game we used to play
We would hit the town on friday night
And stay in bed until sunday
We used to be so free
We were living for the love we had and
Living not for reality
It was just my imagination x3
There was a time I used to pray
I have always kept my faith in love
It�s the greatest thing from the man above
The game I used to play
I�ve always put my cards upon the table
Let it never be said that I�d be unstable
It was just my imagination x3
There is a game I like to play
I like to hit the town on friday night
And stay in bed until sunday
We�ll always be this free
We will be living for the love we have
Living not for reality
It�s not my imagination x3
Not my x18
"Tere naam se jude hain saarey maukey..."
I seriously DO hate being ignored. Now he's doing exactly that. And I am playing MEHFUZ by Euphoria, and making things worse for myself. HE is my mirror, and I"m breaking, I am unable to live without talking to him. I just found out how much I need to talk to him, to keep going. Nothing to say really. I'll just say it here. But of course, Valuable advice?? What about that?? He is my soul-mate...
LOL I'm complaining!!!!!!
I am finding myself fighting really hard to resist the temptation to write to him. I want to write to him so badly, but I am afraid, he will respond rudely and then I will cry. But that's all I might do. Cry. Let out the tears, or he will make it harder for me, make me hate him. That would hurt.
Damn I have a heart. Why do i have a heart? That could hurt??
---------------- Next Problem----------------------------
Which is not exactly a problem ::::> Oh news. Dorkin, remember Aa? We should be going out for a movie this sunday. IT will be New York if it does happen,but I'm quite sure I will cancel. To punish him, yes, and also cos I just might really be busy.
It should be our first. Just noting it down in case.
-----------------I am all charged up---------------------
I am working round the clock= I am supposed to be but frankly inside for a change I feel all charged up so I will get around to doing what I have to I know...
-----------------one day at a time------------------------
There is nothing to plan for. There is nothing to wish for. I have the strength. I have the will. I have the destination in sight. I have the gear. I have the confidence.
But I like it... I will find true love !!! YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
Which Disney Princess Are You? | |
 | You are part Jasmine. You are loyal and would visit the ends of the earth for what you believe. You would never let obstacles stand in the way of true love. |
 | You are part Cinderella. You are hard-working and never complain, however, your trust is sometimes misplaced and people sometimes take advantage of you. Still, you are beautiful inside and out, and one day you will realize it and find true love. |
| Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com | |
“A person is not given integrity. It results from the relentless pursuit of honesty at all times.”
I am happy today. I don't know why, I don't want to- I'd rather just be. I have just returned from the shrine where I pay my visit to my Guru, to honour his presence in my life, as a light of Knowledge to guide me, and remove the ignorance I carry around in me and fill it with enlightenment thus giving birth to more courage and peace. That is probably why I am so happy. I came back 3 hours ago and still the peace vibrates within me.
Yet, when I returned I was in a tizzy. I had no idea why I was so confused.
"Expect and you shall be disappointed."
That is what my lesson for the day is. You can never say what someone is going to do next. It is human nature, to be selfish for one's own survival. And sadly, as technology gets more sophisticated, people get more selfish.
It's all about 'ME'... all the time.
=====
RD and I may just not talk to eachother anymore. And it may be for the good... of whom I don't know..... I don't know what I would do without him. I don't know really how handicapped I am with out him. As time goes by, something in me stays though... just like wood, drying each day it says,"You aren't watering this plant regularly." Our friendship is souring mostly because of me. I won't go into what about me. I can't do that right now. But I do wish I could not be the way I am and keep it going. But won't it change?? He'd be the Master... of it's destiny... as he is always. I love to bow to him. I trust him more than myself. He says he knows me more than I know myself. I love him.
I guess that's what friendship is really, to love more than yourself, to be able to bow to your utmost and still not feel like you went lower.
We met on orkut, we became friends because we were very similar, and actually poles apart. I worship him because he seems perfect to me. And each moment I spent with him till date is etched in memory and framed in gold and glass...
He is my Roger Federer. He is my Pete Sampras. He is my Hero.
I hurt when I cannot talk to him. I know I will stumble and fall if I dont' talk to him. But that is the challenge. He has asked me to be ''strong'' . It is not a challenge. It is not a choice, it is my destiny now.
I cannot deny him. I am wondering how I will make it come true. There is only one way... I will have to defeat all my demons and it is quite possible, and then I never know which battles to choose. Such a fool I am, I wonder what he found in me. Ever. To come this far. YES, I am underestimating myself. I know.
Musicmann died!!!!!!
No, I am not talking about Micheal Jackson. He seems to be getting enough coverage everywhere... I will only remember him for a few songs... Black or White, and Heal The World, to which I danced during a School Fest... ages ago... and then later got called his look alike by a Jesus-loving, classmate.. I dont know if that was a rude remark or a compliment... something to do with me wearing a black jacked in winter...and having unkempt hair... That was in 1998.I think he's buried by now there was news of a funeral a few hours back... as far as I'm concerned I'm glad he died, his life was no good. Not for him, and not for those unfeeling audiences all over who take it upon themselves to tell you what a person is like even without [really] knowing him for a moment. And this will take us to a debate on celebrities, but my celebrity is Musicmann... my Apple Ipod.. DOB 25 Feb 2009 and this tragic accident struck the poor thing... 29 June 2009... didn't last a year eh??? I"M SO BAD!!!!!!!!! :X
I hate me!
Well, he drowned in a pool of coke. In my hand bag. I had a pet bottle which leaked and I didn't realise till i stepped into a bus and saw my bag dripping.
I rushed back home and kept it to dry for 4 days and feverishly followed each support site I could find...and it started working properly till one day when I unplugged it... last friday that is... on the 3rd of July... it died on me again... Now he only sings when plugged to my computer or a power switch. Battery needs to be replaced. I.e. for $10 and risk being cut open by ME :D.. not a very good thought, or $100 and be treated by strangers. Hmmm. I'm making do with the music set up in my computer, MTV's specials and well just these two. I don't own enough to ... well ok............... enough. :(
Me SAD. :( :( :( :( :( :(
We broke up.
Supposedly.
But he called the next day as if to find out if i had any remorse.
He said he missed me. Now after two days he's trying to avoid me.
There's so much to do. And I'm trying to keep myself busy. I sleep for 8 hours in the night and if it goes down to 6 then another 3 in the evening.
Mom is frantic. She is expecting THEIR call. And [sadly], they called yesterday only to get disconnected, so the mystery was resolving itself UNTIL, they called again today. We missed it so ==as I was watching tv and thought it was one of those Buy Our Credit Card Callers so I didn't go to pick up the phone. SUNDAY for God's sake!
Mystery back in place.
KB and I had a fight, massive one, which went on for 2 days. 2 hours one night and almost 2 hours the next. We made a set of rules, and annoyingly he doesn't want me to hang out with NIP. :D I mean we're breaking up right?? So why does he have to bother??
Well, at least he cares.
Someone does.
Interesting that I should say that.
==============================
SPS seems too busy to talk. Too busy to come online. And I have his number but I won't call him.
Let's see what happens.
==============================
I read someone's fiction blog and I'm wondering if I should start writing fiction seriously. I mean seriously.
==============================
I cleared the exam... I am happy. I have work to do... this is all being written cos... my tea-cup's overflowing.
I truly wish i could do more than just post lyrics of songs... I miss RD. I miss being happy, careless and free. I am aching somewhere and I cannot make sense out of it. I ache for success.
_______________________________________________________________
Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true
Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good
Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame
Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.
____________________________________
I'm in love with him. He is about to start seeing someone else and I love him so much i cannot tell him because... Because.
I cannot spoil it by loving him this way. I have it better loving him as I do.
He's making history like he does and he's doing more... I know he is, but so does everyone else... And I may end up with SPS! Of all people. He all but asked me out for Star trek yesterday.
I wish this song was true.
Yes, I do. I am selfish.
I don't know how he manages to spread so much love around. How he makes me float above the clouds in my sky and imagine i'm going to make it big...And yet keeps me so grounded and sure-footed that I wouldn't make any silly mistakes.
Oooooohh It's what you do to me... it's what you do to me......
I'm flying above my floor, way high. There is a line that goes, "I might need you to hold me tonight, I might need you to tell me it's alright."
I don't know how I could be so lucky and clueless at the same time!!!
d=U=M=B!
I am preparing for an interview and an exam that may take place sometime this week. And another scheduled in November. I shall start preparing for that today.
KB is supposed to be studying for his s/w exams something he should take in about 6 months which falls around... December, yes. There is so much to do and here I am wiggling away like a caterpillar on a leaf. Wasting away.
I am afraid, and fear makes me slow. Slow in achieving what I have to.
KB found a couple of comments I made
Well...
It's his birthday in about 25 days and he hasn't decided where he's going to be. I plan to surprise him, but if we go to another city...
The thing is he always takes over all the planning,I let him, and then i wonder why I am doing what i'm doing. I have to take responsibility for myself. And will separate myself from him soon. I cannot promise him anything. I find myself cheating him and lying to him and if he is being honest with me, [which he isn't or I wouldn't be doing all this with him], I shouldn't be so mean to him.
Conclusion: I am looking for a healthy & peaceful break-up. Was there ever one?
Can we be friends after the break-up?
I haven't written in a while because there was nothing to say. I wasn't prepared with anything and didn't want to write unnecessarily. But now I 'm doing that exact same thing...writing off head. I've stopped making notes in notepad before posting here, for some reason. I fear they will come in the hands of someone exploring my computer.
I messed up my computer this week/and last... i erased important files of My windows xp and then ended up with a computer that won't start. Reinstalling it the way i did, with some help from RMN, i ended up with one drive less. Not that I'm complaining... staying up with him at 1 am online and providing tech support,,,,, I expected more, but i guess we were both making guesses.
Now I have a wierd pc. That looks and seems like mine, but doesn't sound like it or behave like it... and I lost a drive full of pdfs, which I had a million times thought of backing up on a cd. Hmmm.....
Fear, makes us do funny things. Fear, pushes us to do things we wouldn't be doing while in our senses. Fear is a bad thing. A line has been going on HBO or World movies for a few days now...something to do with Batman, you see Bruce Wayne/Christian Bale saying this:
To conquer fear, you must become fear.
DLU has complained that life is not fair, But if life were the way we wanted it wouldn't be LIFE.
I still feel pain in my abdomen, especially when I sit/stand for too long or eat something hard/dry or spicy. I need a lot of water. Mom blames this condition on the job and the crazy timings. And the food I ate there. JUNK JUNK JUNK.
KB is still standing by me although I rethink and rethink and rethink why we are together. I still wonder what he saw/sees in me. I see nothing in US.
I felt unusually inspired today, I did a whole lot of praying and studying. Mom was surprised, pleasantly. She says I have distanced myself from her as I have grown up. Sounded like she was talking of the past four days. We are too close to be separated. I wonder what life will be like with out her.
If she dies/goes away.....
Or I get married.
I know she will put me safely away as if someone keeps a precious ornament back in its case after wearing it close to one's heart.
But will i be able to do as much as I want to?
I want her to be safe too.
Apni Kabhi, To Kabhi Ajnabi
Aansoon Kabhi, To Kabhi Hai Hansee
Dariya Kabhi, To Kabhi Tishnagi
Lagti Hai Ye To
Khamoshiyoon Ki Dheemi Sadaa Hai
Ye Zindagi To, Rab Ki Dua Hai
Chu Ke Kisi Ne Isko, Dekha Kabhi Na
Aihsaas Ki Hai Khushboo, Meheki Hawa Hai
Khushiyan Aur Gham Saihti Hai
Phir Bhi Ye Chupp Rehti Hai
Abh Tak Kisi Ne Na Jaana
Zindagi Kya Kehti Hai...
Life has more to come. I have more to write.
Writing.. reminds me that Sps scorpio has to publish a book and he's telling me where he's getting it published. I don't know what to talk to him about. Publishing?
And then he abruptly signed off...
I am suffering in silence. I am not guilty , I did nothing to make things go the way they did. It is destiny. I accept destiny.I rise and fall like the waves in the sea, I ride the waves, I am the waves. I am the sea.I am calm. Calm as the sea. Others around me are worried.
I am ill again. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday- I went to the doc, he said they'd go for endoscopy if I didn't get well, Thursday, Friday.. today.. still on medication.
Rest...
I say to myself. No more arguments, no more tension, worry less. BE MORE CAREFul.. but me? Careful. Naaaahh!! How? Not possible.
SP.. not sps...[funny they have the same initials] Sach has posted pics of his exhibition on f/b. I"m jeaalouusssssssss... I love him man!
I bought a set of water colour paints, and sheets. On the way back from the clinic. :)
News on the professional front, Fingers crossed.
I miss RD. I miss him so. ;)
After 5 days of silence, SPS spoke again. He wants me to work for him. Slavery... i call it. It is actually two great minds working together. I shall kill him soon.
I won't waste any words on KB and Nip.
They entertain me, much as I do them.
These are just two random pictures I found on Google while searching for a profile picture for myself. Figure them out yourself. If you can! :)
I will simply fall in love with him. And all will be fine. Fine for who?
I will walk under the crimson-flowered trees, and feel secure.
I wish.
Kb doesn't know. I got my pay last weekend>feels great to be able to spend again.
There is much to study. I have lost track... Yet I feel in place.
YUTza cute fella at work... he quit the same day I did. He sat with me for a good half hour, chomping chips and sipping water from the paper cup. He got one cup for me too. Extremely goodlooking.. too much for a boy/man. And we fell ill the same day and missed work the same day earlier, and I called him up to ask what i had missed and he said...where are you? I'm at home. I said, I'm at home too...and then it struck, we were both ill...and seriously so. And it is a joke now. I wonder how he will fare...he will get a job in a fortnight... and I still wait for the joining again.
I miss him. I do. Funny/typical that he was so friendly just before leaving, he thought he was leaving me behind. Who calls him rochak? :) the bad guys... hehe.
Shy, he wouldn't talk to me otherwise but that day he held my hand for a minute longer when he shook it, and I wondered, his glance stayed a moment longer in my eyes, and he sat next to me, as if for the last time. It was the last time. :)
I wonder why I long so much for affection? I don't... it's just a part of me that wants to miss YUTza and so I do. I barely know him enough, I know that I had some really good moments with him. And he was all mine on the last day. I knew he likes me, he flirted and I flirted back. All safe, and sweet. We were both shy.
OK boring I know!
GET OVER IT.. I can almost hear you shreik!
Ok.
Feeling blue today, as the past two days,,, it's ms time... bad days in the month when you wonder, if it is a curse to be a woman or a blessing.
THe house is ringing with signs of happiness and summer. I can't explain. I'll go mad if I do.
I'm happy. Mom's thrilled. I don't know what's going on.
Ok... next topic. :D
I have a long list. I need to shop. I need to do so much. I am living life the way I want. I want more.. Finally, I AM HAPPY!!!!!!
Jaiseee bar sonn mein kooooiiiii gan gaaaaaaa nahaaaaaaaaaeyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee
The rest of the batch has gone to Rishikesh for rafting. I"m here in Delhi, I'm chilling at home. I went shopping today with mom. Got a pair of corduroys. This was unplanned, so we had a snack at Haldiram's. Cross river mall is a good place on Sundays when it's full.
SPS is invisible on gtalk, he's either watching Mumbai vs Royal Challengers or ignoring me. Men.
I will never figure them out. I don't want to try this one. :)
Hariharan:
Yunhi chala, chal raahi -2
Kitni haseen hai ye duniya
Phool saare jamele, dekh phoolon ke mele
Badi rangeen hai duniya
Rum tum taana na nak tum tum taana na -3 bhaiya
Kailash:
Hmm…aa…aa…aa…
Udit:
(Ye raasta hai keh raha ab mujhse
Milne ko hai koyi kahin ab tujhse) -2
Kailash:
Ho…oh ho ho ho ho…ho ho ho ho ho…
Udit:
Dil ko hai kyun ye betaabi
Kis se mulaaqaat honi hai
Jis ka kabse armaan tha
Shaayad wahi baat honi hai
Kailash:
Yunhi chala, chal raahi -2
Jeevan gaadi hai samay paiya
Aansoon ki nadiya bhi hai
Khushiyon ki bagiya bhi hai
Rasta sab tera takke bhaiya
Udit:
Yunhi chala, chal raahi -2
Kitni haseen hai ye duniya
Phool saare jamele, dekh phoolon ke mele
Badi rangeen hai duniya
Udit:
Hey na na na hey na na na
Hey hey hey eh hey…
Dekho jidhar bhi in raahon mein
Rang pighalte hain nihaagon mein
Thhandi hawa hai thhandi chhaaon hai
Door woh jaane kiska gaaon hai
Baadal ye kaisa chhaaya
Dil ye kahaan le aaya
Sapna ye kya dikhlaaya hai mujhko
Kailash:
Har sapna sach lage, jo prem agan jale
Jo raah tu chale apne mann ki
Har pal ki seeb se moti hi tu chune
Jo sada tu sune apne mann ki
Udit:
Yunhi chala, chal raahi -2
Hariharan:
Kitni haseen hai ye duniya
Udit:
Phool saare chamele, dekh phoolon ke mele
Badi rangeen hai duniya
Udit:
Mann apne ko kuch aise halka paaye
Jaise kandho pe rakha boj hat jaaye
Jaise bhola sa bachpan phirse aaye
Jaise barson mein koyi ganga nahaaye
Kailash:
Jaise… barson mein, koyi ganga nahaaye
Udit:
Khul sa gaya hai ye mann
Khul sa gaya har bandhan
Jeevan ab lagta hai paawan mujhko
Kailash:
Jeevan mein preet hai, honton pe geet hai
Bas yehi jeet hai sun le raahi
Tu jis disha bhi jaa, tu pyaar hi loota
Tu deep hi jala, sun le raahi
Udit:
Yunhi chala, chal raahi -2
Kaun ye mujhko pukaare
Nadiya pahaad jheel aur jharne, jangal aur waadi
In mein hai kiske ishaare
Udit & Hariharan:
Yunhi chala, chal raahi -2
Kitni haseen hai ye duniya
Phool saare jamele, dekh phoolon ke mele
Badi rangeen hai duniya
Kailash:
(Ho…aa…aa…)
Udit:
Ye raasta hai keh raha ab mujhse
Milne ko hai koyi kahin ab tujhse
Hariharan: Rum tum taana na nak tum tum taana na -3 bhaiya
Kailash: Sa Ni Sa Ga Ga Ga Sa Ma Ma Ma Re Re Re
Udit: Sa Ni Sa Sa, Sa Ni Sa Sa
Kailash: Sa Ni Sa Ga Ga Ga Sa Ma Ma Ma Sa Pa Pa Pa
Udit: Sa Ni Sa Sa, Sa Ni Sa Sa
Hariharan: Yunhi chala… chal raahi
Udit: Sa Ni Sa Sa, Sa Ni Sa Sa
Hariharan: Kitni haseen hai ye duniya...
What is it? I seem unserious.
Listen to the soundtrack of Chariots of Fire. It's awesome.
I have a typing speed of 35wpm and an accuracy that ranges from 82-90 percent.
I don't know how good/bad that is. But people at work envy me or seem to.
I seem to be a show-off otherwise.
If sps doesn't speak to me soon I'm going to start thinking things.
No, I'm kidding I don't really want to think about him, I never had any expectations, I always knewwwwwwwwwww it was all fake and they just came to pacify mom. So it's over before it even started. I KNEW IT WOULD BE. :)
I just wish mom isn't hurt. Uhh.
Why did i tell her?
And life goes on...
RD is suffering suppposed heartbreak but won't admit it. IF she doesn't pay attention to him, she doesn't notice him, if she doesn't notice him how will she love him??
To be continued...
